A tongue-in-cheek observation on growing older

Your kids are becoming you…and you don’t like them, but your grandchildren are perfect. 

Going out is good. Coming home is better! 

When people say you look “Great,” they add “… for your age!” 

When you needed the discount, you had to pay full price. Now you get discounts on everything – movies, hotels, flights – but you’re too tired to use them. 

You forget names but it’s OK, because other people forgot they knew  you! 

The five pounds you wanted to lose is now 15, and now you have a better chance of losing your keys, than the 15 pounds. 

You realize you’re never going to be really good at anything, especially golf. 

Your spouse is counting on you to remember things you don’t remember. 

The things you used to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don’t care to do them anymore. 

Your husband sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring, than he does in bed. It’s called his “pre-sleep.”

You used to say, “I hope my kids GET married; now it’s, “I hope they STAY married!” 

You miss the days when everything worked with just an “ON” and “OFF” switch. When GOOGLE, ipod, email and modem were unheard of, and a mouse was something that made you climb on a table. 

Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it’s not safe to wear it anywhere. 

Your husband has a night out with the guys, but he’s home by 9 p.m.  Next week it will be 8:30 p.m. 

You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you’ve read it.

What used to be freckles are now liver spots. 

But old is good in some things: old songs, old movies, and best of all, old friends!

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Ponderings that perplex and puzzle most people

1. I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

2. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

3. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

4. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

5. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

6. In the ’60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

7. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

8. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, ‘I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?’

9. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

10. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

11. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

12. Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle? 

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