Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Archive for the ‘Today’s Chuckle’ Category

Your kids are becoming you…and you don’t like them, but your grandchildren are perfect. 

Going out is good. Coming home is better! 

When people say you look “Great,” they add “… for your age!” 

When you needed the discount, you had to pay full price. Now you get discounts on everything – movies, hotels, flights – but you’re too tired to use them. 

You forget names but it’s OK, because other people forgot they knew  you! 

The five pounds you wanted to lose is now 15, and now you have a better chance of losing your keys, than the 15 pounds. 

You realize you’re never going to be really good at anything, especially golf. 

Your spouse is counting on you to remember things you don’t remember. 

The things you used to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don’t care to do them anymore. 

Your husband sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring, than he does in bed. It’s called his “pre-sleep.”

You used to say, “I hope my kids GET married; now it’s, “I hope they STAY married!” 

You miss the days when everything worked with just an “ON” and “OFF” switch. When GOOGLE, ipod, email and modem were unheard of, and a mouse was something that made you climb on a table. 

Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it’s not safe to wear it anywhere. 

Your husband has a night out with the guys, but he’s home by 9 p.m.  Next week it will be 8:30 p.m. 

You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you’ve read it.

What used to be freckles are now liver spots. 

But old is good in some things: old songs, old movies, and best of all, old friends!

Read Full Post »

1. I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

2. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

3. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

4. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

5. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

6. In the ’60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

7. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

8. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, ‘I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?’

9. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

10. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

11. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

12. Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle? 


Read Full Post »

An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat.  

He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.  As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. 

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, “Hey old man, have you ever danced?”  

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, “No, I never did dance… never really wanted to.” 

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, “Well, you old fool, you’re gonna dance now,” and started shooting at the old man’s feet. 

The old prospector – not wanting to get a toe blown off– started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.  Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied. When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately.  

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels. 

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man’s hands, as he quietly said, “Son, have you ever licked a mule’s ass?” 

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, “No sir…but… I’ve always wanted to.” 

There are a few lessons for us all here: Never be arrogant. Don’t waste ammunition. Whiskey makes you think you’re smarter than you are.

Read Full Post »